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Wit & Vinegar Lumber Company
London ambience.png
Wit & Vinegar Lumber Company (Sidebar)
Located in Albion

Wit & Vinegar Lumber Company is a platform in Albion. It occupies the very middle of the central circle, close to London.

Wit & Vinegar Lumber Co.[]

"The head offices of a lumber concern that imports bronzewood from the Reach."

The Wit & Vinegar Loading Dock
Category Story Event
Type Story
Data ID 307979

Story description[]

The Wit & Vinegar Lumber Company operates primarily in the Reach, mining bronzewood and transporting it back to London for construction, furniture, and locomotive plating. Its loading platform is frequented by brawny, wind-bitten men, lugging slabs of bronzewood into the warehouse.


Actions Requirements Effects Notes
Take your leave
The workers give you unsympathetic stares. "We're trying to work. It ain't safe for tourists."
You return to your engine. The workers watch you as you go. Suspicious lot, aren't they?
Visit the Gloomy Middleman's Employer
The Wit & Vinegar Company is owned by a Blind Bruiser. He keeps an office above the warehouse.
Visit the Blind Bruiser
He runs an extensive smuggling network behind the front of his lumber concern.
Greet the workers
You're accepted here now. They return your greeting and invite you into the warehouse.
Birds of a feather
The warehouse smells of sawed wood and the hot metal of busy saw-blades. Timber is stacked in bronzey piles. A number of the workers, laughing in rough voices, are sharing a bottle of whiskey. They invite you to join them, and tell tales of smuggled contraband, and the devil that is the Revenue Men.

Game note: You can peruse the available smuggling prospects at the bazaar here.

The Blind Bruiser
Category Story Event
Type Story
Data ID 307230

The Blind Bruiser[]

The Wit & Vinegar Company's owner is, you hear, a self-made man of murky provenance. He awaits you in a comfortable office. His suit is well made, but he seems uncomfortable in it, pulling persistently at its collar. Rings blaze on his fingers. His letter opener could be used to cut through a jungle.


Actions Requirements Effects Notes
Make his acquaintance
He shakes your hand. "Ah, Addressed As(SpeechFormal). It is immediately apparent that my factotum did not exaggerate your virtues. Why, I 'ave never known 'im to be so effusive. Giddy, 'e was. Like as a bonny child upon Christmas morn."
New friends
"Allow me to furnish you with your libation of choice," he keeps a comprehensive drinks cabinet. After you have both drunk, he speaks again.

"Now that we are friends, I 'ave a question. 'Ave you considered a career," he pauses, dramatically, "in smuggling? The fortune, the excitement, the romance. One step behind glory and one ahead of the law. An 'ero to the undertrodden and a plague upon the Revenue Men!

"Or perhaps you are a person of pragmatism, and such whimsies 'old no allure. In which case, my dearest, I ask only this: how do you feel about money?"
Renew your acquaintance
"We meet again, my old friend. It has been a while and no mistake, and a poorer while for your absence from it, if I might say so. But 'ere we stand, reunited. And all is righted."
Together again
"Let me see if I can remember your preferred libation," he says, and selects it from his comprehensive drinks cabinet. "A toast. To causin' trouble."

After you've both drunk, he speaks. "I apologise for making you run that errand to the flower-port. For me there is no question of your ability, of course. But certain of my fellows needed a demonstration, and accusations of favourable treatment can cause ill-will, and that gives people in our line of work funny ideas."

And what is his line of work, these days? He grins, and the lamplight burns on a gold tooth. "Smuggling."
Ask how to become a smuggler
"A pertinent question; very pertinent indeed if you will permit me to observe so, and I trust that you will, us being bound as we are by bonds of mutual admiration and respect."
New opportunities
"All that is required, if I may be so immodest, is a word from me in the right ears. I have already taken the liberty of conveying that word, and opportunities to procure and supply contraband will now be made available to you.

"In fact, there's a juicy little opportunity waiting already, to carry a consignment of materials from London to Pan. I would encourage you to snap it up.

"I'm sure you 'ave further questions, being as perspicacious as you is. I will strive to answer them."

    • Smuggling icon.png Wit & Vinegar: a Smuggler's Tale = 39 [[COMPLETE]You may now engage in smuggling. Find smuggling prospects at Titania in the Reach, at the Wit & Vinegar Company in London, and with the Gentlemen at Pan]

Game note: You are now eligible to take advantage of smuggling bargains and prospects.

Learn more about smuggling
You have questions.
    • Smuggling icon.png Wit & Vinegar: a Smuggler's Tale ≥ 39 [[COMPLETE]You may now engage in smuggling. Find smuggling prospects at Titania in the Reach, at the Wit & Vinegar Company in London, and with the Gentlemen at Pan]

Catch up on old times
It would ease your burdens, to share them with someone who knows you.
You tell him of your nightmares. He sympathises: he is no stranger to midnight visitations.

In return he talks about his failed attempt to go straight after coming to the heavens. "I didn't set up the Wit & Vinegar as a cover for smuggling. I intended to make a go of it; put the past behind me. Become a respectable businessman.

"But things kept going wrong. I thought I was cursed, but you know what? I think living an honest life is just bloody difficult." He shakes his head. "It's a hard road to walk, the straight and narrow. And my feet are crooked."

Game note: This will reduce your Nightmares by 1. You may only do it once.

Take your leave
You have business elsewhere.
The Bruiser stands. "Then I shall say goodbye to you, and trust in the benevolence of the Almighty to ensure it will only be a brief time before we meet again."

A Smuggler's Tale
Category Story Event
Type Story
Data ID 307243

A Smuggler's Tale[]

The Blind Bruiser reclines in his chair. His ringed fingers fidget with his glass of port, with the ledgers on his desk, with his alarming letter-opener.


Actions Requirements Effects Notes
Ask about finding smuggling opportunities
"The nature of our business is naturally clandestine. It is likely the opportunities 'ave gone unnoticed by you before now; a situation happily remedied."
"Trusted as you now are, you'll be able to find prospects 'ere at London. In Eleutheria you'll need to visit the Gentlemen at Pan. And in the Reach, you wants Titania. The Midnight Rose, with whom you 'ave already established an acquaintance, see to matters there.

"You can buy and sell contraband at each of those places. I should warn you, though: this is not a straightforward business. It is not unusual for our runs to be plagued by complications. Fiercest and foremost among them, of course, being the Revenue Men."

Game note: Find smuggling prospects at London, Pan, and Titania. You can purchase the contraband you need to transport at those locations, too.

Ask about the types of contraband that are traded
"Most regions have a particular speciality they export. Exempting the Blue Kingdom, of course. We have no business there. Nor should we, in my opinion."
Prohibited goods
"The Reach exports its red honey, what unlocks the chambers of the 'eart.

"Here in Albion, thanks to the Ministry, our chief contraband is literature. Anything uncensored, or revolutionary, or what contains a bit of as-you-like-it." He leers.

"In Pan they makes shinney. Starshine. Light as was cast by stars that could be seen from Old Earth. Nostalgia is a reliable vice, in my experience.

"The more contraband you carry, the 'arder it'll be to conceal. A good smuggler installs hidden compartments into their locomotive, to 'ide as much as they can. That means buying the right equipment."

Game note: Carrying more contraband is harder to conceal. Fit equipment that grants Hidden Compartments to make smuggling less risky. But smuggling is never safe.

Ask about the Revenue Men
He shakes his bald head sadly.
Customs and Excise
"Smuggling means carrying contraband from one region to another. That means using the transit relays. And the relays, you see, is watched by the Revenue Men: as cruel and humourless a body of joy-throttlers as ever there was."

He tops up your glass. "You might be able to hide your wares from them. Failing that, some of them can be bribed or flummoxed. Worst comes to worst, you might risk shooting your way free."

Game note: Fully completing a smuggling prospects grants better rewards than completing legitimate prospects. They also grant double experience.

Ask what happens if you are caught
"Well. Should – and I question whether it's worth speaking of this to a person of your vinegar, even in the 'ypothetical – but should the unquestionable occur, and you be caught, you'd be sentenced."
The long arm of the law
"An initial sentence is likely to be fiscal in nature: fines and confiscations and so forth. Why, little more than a slap on the wrist to the likes of you and I. But repeated occurences will levy more memorable punishments, like imprisonment, or even the noose."

"The law has a long memory, Addressed As(SpeechFormal). It does not easily forget."

Game note: Customs checks can happen on arrival at relay stations. The more you are caught, the harsher the penalties will be.

Discuss something else
You have spoken enough about smuggling for now.



Locomotive captains gather at the bazaar to trade goods and information. Here, you can acquire 'prospects': opportunities to sell a good at a distant port for an excellent price. Accept a prospect to claim it, source the goods, and deliver them.

Wit & Vinegar

A front for a more successful smuggling concern, the Wit & Vinegar Lumber Company has interests across Albion and the Reach. Its chief contraband is illicit literature, largely secured from malcontents in the University's English Department.

(This shop is unlocked after finishing the smuggling quests, Wit & Vinegar: a Smuggler's Tale)

Item Buy Sell
Illicitliterature square icon.png Trunk of Illicit Literature Sovereigns icon.png 150 Sovereigns Sovereigns icon.png 75 Sovereigns
Redhoney square icon.png Firkin of Red Honey Sovereigns icon.png 115 Sovereigns
Starshine square icon.png Hogshead of Starshine Sovereigns icon.png 250 Sovereigns
Mining tier3 square icon.png Wit & Vinegar Sawing Device Sovereigns icon.png 1100 Sovereigns Sovereigns icon.png 5500 Sovereigns
Hold tier2 square icon.png Wit & Vinegar Winch & Pulley Sovereigns icon.png 1160 Sovereigns Sovereigns icon.png 580 Sovereigns
Smugglingequipment tier2 square icon.png Concealed Cavities Sovereigns icon.png 450 Sovereigns Sovereigns icon.png 225 Sovereigns